What did you do before 9am?

I often start the work part of my day by sitting down at my desk and then, and only then, finding out what time I have arrived at the office today. What time I start work, leave home, set my alarm, were all up for discussion and influenced entirely by me for the first 10yrs+ of my working life. I used to reflect on the ways I could change my morning routine to improve myself as a person (Ha!), no prizes for guessing it involved earlier alarms, exercise and fruit for breakfast.

Now, all these things are completely and totally out of my control, I just caught myself about to caveat that to continue the illusion that I have almost managed to shake off namely that if I just did this or that I would consistently arrive at my desk at 8.30am. This blog is about being honest, and if I am being completely honest then what time I arrive at work, and indeed whether I arrive at all, is completely out of my control.

The time I am woken up in the morning is determined by two toddlers. The time itself is anywhere in a 90min window, the first 85 minutes of which is before when I would choose to wake up for a 9am start at an office a 15min cycle ride away. The list of factors which influences when the first toddler appears and what mood they are in, is very long, and mostly uncontrollable and unpredictable. Having been woken up and dealt with inevitable poo (the morning nappy poo is the last stand against potty training, which feels like it is taking FOREVER), the list of tasks between me and getting to my desk feels so huge I have to steel myself for it. My husband leaves for work before 7am so this is a solo adventure most mornings (except for those precious Wednesdays I mentioned in my last post, what would we do without Wednesdays). There is a lot of positive self-talk during this time “we go again, we do not let this slide”, (very relevant for twins) and “they said it couldn’t be done and yet…” (incredibly relevant for twins) and I am working constantly, breakfast, clear up breakfast, get them both dressed, pack nursery bags, C’s hair, teeth for both, get myself dressed/showered, pack my bag, shoes, coats. The added excitement is that each and every one of these things might be done in record time, literally the fastest a nearly-3yr-old has put on some shoes or it might take 10 times longer than the previous day because today they want shoes you threw away 2 weeks ago when their toes were squished and they are heartbroken that you could do this to them. Getting dressed is the epitome of this in our house, sometimes they are like catwalk models – strutting up to me one at a time offering limbs like it’s a time-pressured costume change. Other times, well, they stand/sit/lie/contort themselves into a position 1cm further than my arms can reach and repeatedly flop to the floor if any clothes touch them.

And the hardest part, for me anyway, is that you cannot show any frustration, stress or anger no matter how many of the tasks have gone badly, or how important the thing is you need to be at work for. Ultimately, the toddlers don’t really understand time, definitely don’t care about you being late, and if you shout or even sound tense, they will do exactly the same back at you, and you’ve added at least 20mins of emotion regulation to your morning. Of course, sometimes this gets added anyway, despite the deep breathing and you trying to be a fun, happy Mum by “making it a race” with your best CBBC presenter impression. But, all this only makes you late, which is nothing compared to the workday-ending events that could happen in this process – most commonly one or more of the definitely-not-going-to-preschool symptoms - eye gunk (one of mine gets this whenever she has a runny nose…), vomiting, high temp, rash, [add specific childcare setting idiosyncrasies in here].

I’m not wearing a watch at the moment, because I have started getting a skin reaction to the smartwatch and my old-fashioned one has no battery. I guess my mornings are on Toddler Time, which feels very incompatible with time as told by watches and I’m in no hurry to sort it out, there is something about measuring success each morning by my presence in the office, and their presence in preschool. I often start my first meeting by saying “I’m here!”, I cannot tell you how many times I put my key in the office door and think “I made it”. I don’t really talk about my mornings very much, and I used to if I had spent them running, or swimming, I used to share bad things that happened before 9am as well - flat tyres, train delays, pouring breakfast cereal over myself. I don’t do this about my mornings with my children - to me this really sums up what is meant by invisible work. I just don’t think people are interested, regardless of their own childcare responsibilities - I guess because I have never heard anyone talk about it. I definitely haven’t heard it discussed in a work meeting, even one taking place at 9am. If I am in the 9am meeting on time, I am almost certainly still returning to baseline from whatever tense negotiations I have emerged from 30mins before, and yet.

What did you do before 9am? I got three human beings completely ready for a day in the life. I was screamed at for 20mins and had to clean human poo from under my fingernails. I arranged 16 stuffed animals on a bed in the right way so that my toddler would leave the house. None of this is said, I just sit at my desk and say, “I’m here!”.